Stop giving others the permission to make you feel shitty

Stop giving others the permission to make you feel shitty

One of my girlfriends recently came over for a hang out and as she was leaving, her son asked if they could come back again soon. 

“Of course, I have nothing going on right now and Elle definitely has nothing going on right now,” she said. It was an innocent response. Just some words coming out of someone’s mouth with no meaning aside from the meaning I chose to give them, but of course I allowed those words to make me feel like poo. I spent the rest of the day in a funk feeling like loser of the year.

In that comment I convinced myself that the whole world perceives me as someone who ‘doesn’t have much going on.’  (Because I’m so important the whole world even thinks of me at all right? lol.) I started picking apart everything I was working towards and telling myself I have accomplished nothing of value.

Even though I have an eccomerce shop, it’s just an Etsy shop and not even a very great one.  Even though I’m in school, its only an online diploma.  Even though I write for this blog, it’s nothing more than a hobby.  Even though I work outside of the home, it’s only twenty hours a week.  Even though I’m a mom, I’m not even a mom who keeps up with homeschooling.

And in that moment, everything I had accomplished in my entire life amounted to nothing more than a big pile of doo doo. 

Later that day as I was feeling thoroughly sorry for myself, I headed out to walk the dog with my favorite podcast downloaded.  As the rain started to sprinkle, I pulled a hood over my head and hit play. I don’t know how she does it, but Cathy Heller from the ‘Don’t Keep Your Day Job Podcast’ always has what I need when I need it, and I highly recommend her to every creative mompreneur I know. 

Almost immediately I received the message I needed to hear;

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Eleanor Roosevelt

I snapped right out of my funk.  My friend had simply said some words, it was me who gave those words the permission to ruin my day.  Obviously, we can’t change the way others perceive us, so why worry about it.  There are always going to be people who judge us, or who just don’t get it, but at the end of the day, who really cares?! In reality, no one is actually spending much time thinking about us at all.  Everyone is far too worried about their own lives.  The fleeting judgments others do have only matter if we choose to let them.

There is no way for anyone else to understand our personal experience.  No one else is with us walking in our shoes. Nobody is watching us grind daily, waking up early, staying up late, barely having a moment to catch our breath and still only feeling like we’ve reached some imaginary halfway point. So our opinion of ourselves is the only one that matters. People will think what they want, but allowing those thoughts to affect us in any way… that’s on us.  

And so rather than feeling like loser of the year, I chose to round out that day feeling proud of myself… as we all should. Every. Single. Day. We are exactly where we are supposed to be in our personal journey, so let’s stop wasting time worrying about other peoples opinion and start feeling good about how far we have already come.

We have to stop giving others the permission to make us feel shitty, because we have way too much going on and aint nobody got time for that.

There’s a reason horses race with blinders.

There’s a reason horses race with blinders.

I listen to a lot of podcasts.  Like a L-A-W-T.  They are my favorite form of content.  Easy to consume while I’m walking my doggo, packing up orders, working in the kitchen, or developing new patterns for the shop. 

And I’m not ashamed to admit a huge portion of those podcasts are self helpers.  With everything going on in the world, having that 30- 60 minute injection of positivity into my day is wonderfully therapeutic. 

I have had so many aha moments while I’m on a walk scooping up dog poo, or elbows deep in a kitchen sink that I have lost count, but one quote got stuck so deep in my heart that I wrote it on a piece of paper and posted it up next to my desk. 

“There is a reason horses race with blinders.” Jimmy Lovine

Seriously this one gave me goosebumps because I so needed it.  We all do.   

Why do horses race with blinders? Because, if they worry about what the other horses are doing instead of being focused on their own race, they will lose step, get tripped up and ultimately lose.  As someone who has always been guilty of measuring her own success against the barometers set by other people, this was the aha moments of all aha moments for me.

When I was younger, I would often get dolled up for the night and leave my house feeling super cute and confident. Then inevitably, I would end up on the subway next to some drop dead model looking girl and arrive at my destination feeling like a troll who crawled out from under the bridge. 

When I got a little older and less image obsessed, my insecurities changed.  I remember having dinner at the home of a super corporate girlfriend and feeling deep shame telling the execs in attendance about my etsy shop.  I wouldn’t feel ashamed telling my grandma what I do, or my unemployed cousin, or a hobo down at the bus stop.  So why did I feel so unworthy among this circle of conventionally successful babes? It is the curse of comparisonitis.  I wasn’t wearing my blinders.

Now I remind myself of this on a daily basis. When I struggle to grow an IG following, or see a shop that has nailed down there aesthetic and is killing it. I don’t know the steps they’ve taken to get where they are or if they are even happy in that place so why should I for a single minute let their success slow me down or make me doubt my own journey.  

If life is a horse race it’s the most rigged race in the word.  None of us have the exact same starting point and none of us will have the exact same finish.  We all come into this world with unique opportunities, challenges, and end goals.  There is literally no sense measuring our own success against people who are running a completely different race.

It doesn’t matter if Deb has more followers than you or if Brenda has a bigger bank balance.  It just doesn’t matter. 

Ask yourself these three questions…. 

Are you growing?

Are you learning?

Are you a better person than you were last year?

If you answered yes, then you are winning your race. Don’t let yourself, let anyone else, make you feel otherwise.  Put those blinders and get running!   

Start where you are, how consistent baby steps lead to success

Start where you are, how consistent baby steps lead to success
584B26CD-91B8-4E92-8D6A-6A14FDD2E9E8

These adorable little arms belong to my youngest son who is working on his ‘business.’  He wanted me to buy him bulk candy to sell at school but when I told him he would have to give me a cut of all his profits he was not impressed.  While I might seem like a greedy mean Mommy, I was trying to teach him a valuable lesson.

I asked him to get really creative about how he can start from scratch with what he has now to raise the money for the candy all by himself.  This way the business is all his and he won’t get taxed by mom.

Well, my little entrepreneur decided to go through his old pokemon cards and build his own packs , selling each pack of 10 for a dollar.  He’s barely made a dent in his expansive pokemon collection and now has a good amount to invest in his candy business as well as the satisfaction of knowing that he did this on his own.

Sometimes it’s hard to know where to start in our own lives.  I haven’t been blogging much this month for reasons I will address below, when yesterday I was listening to a Lewis Howes podcast episode and he said something that made me stop in my tracks.  ‘It’s amazing what can happen if you show up for something every week for 6 years.’ He said it casually as he introduced his guest, but as someone who knows what Lewis actually has built in the last six years, it was one of the most inspiring things I’ve heard in a while.

I was like, ‘hot damn Lewis, you just lit a fire right up under my booty.’ This morning I jumped out of bed bright and early and got cracking on some blog posts that have been simmering in the back of my mind for a bit.

This blog is not going to write itself and if I don’t make things happen, in six years I’ll never know what could have been had I just shown up for myself every week.

This past month has been a real doozie at my place.  I have my house on the market and have been hosting showings pretty much daily. Of course, I want the showings but I feel like I haven’t been able to use my kitchen for fear or messing it up. I am a notoriously messy cook and when I get in that zone ingredients have been known to fly all over the place.

With so many showings, I had expected our house to sell by now, but the consensus is that our street is too busy for most of the viewers. As a courtesy to all the future homes I look at, I will always do a quick google map search to determine that the property of interest is in a location I like so I don’t waste peoples time. (Can you tell I’m getting jaded by all the cleaning, maintaining, and lack of cooking and recipe development that I truly want to be doing?)

So rather than just waiting for that sale so I can get comfortable in my kitchen again, I’m going to use this cooking downtime to blog more about general health and my growing business.  I’m just working with what I’ve got my friends.

I opened my vintage shop at the end of December and already have 60 sales, this may seem like peanuts to some, but I consider it a huge achievement, especially since I’ve grossed over a 1k monthly and have so far treated it as a side hustle while I still work my real gig as a hairstylist.

I’ve also been steady developing my eco clothing line and have hired a business coach to help me strategize how to move forwards in the most efficient way, as well as a social media expert to assist me in making better use of Instagram, because if any of you follow my accounts @lesagevintage or @tha_wild_sage, you know I’m struggling in that department.

I’ve been filling my head with knowledge and positivity, listening to inspiring podcasts and reading some great books. I am daily drinking green juice, working out and using who I was 6 months, 12 months and six years ago as a barometer of my success instead of comparing myself to others.

The point I’m trying to make is, my lack of consistent blogging in recent days doesn’t mean I’m not still moving in a trajectory towards my end goal.

Sometimes we just need to start where we are and work with what we’ve got. Rather than getting bogged down in the details, if we consistently take baby steps towards an end goal, its amazing what can come out of it in the other long term. And remember,  it’s more than ok if those baby steps travel in more of a zig zag than a straight line.

I recently heard the story of Colin O’Brady. He’s a tremendous athlete and the first person to transverse Antarctica alone. In his 20’s he was burned so badly that he was told he wouldn’t walk again. He talks about how during his healing process, his mom would move his chair just a little farther every day so he would be forced to take just one more step than the day before. Eventually, he not only walked, but competed in triathlons and went on to set a world record in Antarctica!

If you have established an end goal but keep spinning in circles when it comes to working out all the details, just start where you are now.

Make one choice today that will set you in the right direction, and tomorrow you can make two, then three and so on.

Maybe that means getting a salad instead of pizza for dinner or going to the gym instead of bingeing on game of thrones. Maybe you just need to write that blog post you have been procrastinating and stop using the fact that your house is on the market as an excuse to sleep on it (*coughs*).

We’ve all heard the saying Rome wasn’t built in a day, well neither was a blog, perfect health, a perfect body, a podcast or a brand.

Tony Robbins famously says ‘People overestimate what they can do in a year and underestimate what they can accomplish in a decade.’ That’s because we always get so bogged down in the details about how we are going to accomplish things rather than just show up for ourselves everyday (or week) and take those baby steps towards our future.

Start where you are and start now.  It’s constant baby steps that lead to success and you’ve come this far already.

An 11 step plan to heal your body from the inside out

An 11 step plan to heal your body from the inside out

pexels-photo-965161.jpegCheesy photo aside, this is a super important and detailed blog post so if you want to learn what I have done to make huge strides in healing my own illness, get comfy.

First a mandatory disclaimer, though I have studied nutrition, I am not a doctor and would never suggest that anyone should neglect a doctors recommendations in the face of critical illness. This being said, I also believe it is everyone’s responsibility and right to take control of their own health and choose a healing protocol that they can feel good about and believe in.  I am simply sharing what has worked for me and many others in improving heath and even reversing supposedly irreversible disease.

It is becoming a more common opinion that most illness starts in and is cured by the mind (followed by the gut), so if you believe the only road to healing your own body is following a western medical route, I would agree that you are probably right.

(Whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right. ~Henry Ford)

Many people facing illnesses ranging from the flu to cancer have been healed by western medicine, but on the same note, people also heal themselves every day using natural, less invasive methods. Listen to your body first, believe in its ability to heal and go from there.

These days it seems everyone is sick to some degree and it is actually more rare to meet someone experiencing vibrant health than it is to meet someone who has some form of illness. The list of modern day medical afflictions seems to be endless. Even the common cold seems to run through my kids school multiple times a year.

I truly don’t believe we were designed to live a life of illness and suffering, but sadly, our modern diet, toxic environment and lifestyle choices has predestined us to these fates. We put far too much trust in our traditional medicine that puts far too much trust in textbooks and dogma. Health care providers often fail to truly listen to their patients which then leaves us tuning out our own inner voices who are screaming at us, ‘hey, remember me, your body? Something serious is going on in here.’

Regardless of your current state of wellness, I believe it is vital for everyone on the planet to take a serious look at the foods they put in their body followed by a full body and mind detox to hit the reset button on their health.

If you are currently undergoing treatment for a life threatening disease I DO NOT recommend following these suggestions in lieu of treatment but rather integrate or turn to them after your critical illness has gone into remission.  These steps will help create an environment where your disease will be less likely to return.

Don’t be intimidated by the long to-do list, just put one foot in front of the other and check them off one at a time. Listen to your body, pay attention to how you FEEL. If supplementing, add only add one supplement at a time so you can appreciate the differences it affects in you. In no time you should feel like a completely new person.

1. Undergo an elimination diet followed by a complete diet overhaul. Hidden allergies and intolerances also cause constant inflammation leading your body ignite an autoimmune response. Some experts believe all modern autoimmune diseases are caused by chronic inflammation as the result of undiagnosed allergies and infections. Gluten dairy and soy are BIG ones to watch out for. You can also get professionally tested for intolerances but these tests are expensive and not always accurate. You already intuitively know what your body needs to heal, you just have to listen.

2. Begin a mostly whole foods, anti inflammatory diet and be sure to omit all ingredients you have found you have an intolerance to. You should try to make all your own sauces and become a vigilant label reader if you purchase anything processed.  Soy, gluten and sugar are hidden everywhere.

3. Replace all products that you use on your skin, hair and home with natural non toxic ones. You can make these yourself, or purchase them if you are not the DIY type. Your skin is your bodies largest organ and soaks up everything you put on it like a sponge.  A good rule of thumb I try to follow is, if you wouldn’t put it in your mouth don’t put it on your body.

4. Get tested for hidden infections, viruses, candida, heavy metals, parasites and bacteria. If your immune system is working overtime fighting off a chronic condition your body will be in a constant state of inflammation which leads to many forms of illness and will keep you operating below optimal levels.  Many MD’s are reluctant to test for these things so I recommend seeking out a naturopath.

5. Begin to detox. This part of healing is controversial, some health experts claim that your body is more than capable of detoxing itself but recent studies show everyone on the planet is carrying a toxic load (even babies are being born with thousands of toxins already in their system) and when your body is working to fight off constant inflammation it may put detoxing on the back burner. The detox phase can take a while, but will ignite a radical transformation to your overall health.  For me this was a huge game changer.  Some good detox strategies are dry brushing, saunas, Epsom bath and using herbal preparations.

6. Heal your gut. When you have eliminated all food intolerances and begun to detox their residual effects it is time to repair all the damage they have done. Gut health is so super important more and more experts are being led to believe that all disease begins right there. Taking bone broth, and supplementing with the Amino Acid L-Glutamine are two proven ways to heal that precious gut lining. Probiotics (good quality ones) are also super vital to replenishing your good bacteria, especially if you have recently done a herbal cleanse/ detox.  However, there is no point even beginning this step if you have not already done step two. As long as you continue irritating your gut with foods that you are intolerant to, it will never fully heal.

7. Find your supplements. All bodies will need and respond to different supplements so it is a great idea to work with a holistic nutritionist, Chinese medicine practitioner or naturopath to determine the things your body is lacking and start adding them into your diet via high quality nutritional supplements. Not all supplements are created equal, I was anemic for years taking daily iron fumarate tablets (at my GP’s recommendation) before an integrative physician recommended iron bisglysinate and I was finally able to raise my iron levels quickly and painlessly.

8. Change your mindset. A toxic mindset creates a toxic body. Having a positive mindset is important not just for healing but for affecting all elements of your life from money and career to love and happiness. Releasing patterns formed over a lifetime takes work and time, but it is time well spent. Integrating daily meditations, gentle movement, affirmations and breathing exercises will improve not only your quality of life but your health as well.  And NO MORE negative self talk.  You are a miraculous being so lets take a moment to acknowledge that.  This step in particular has been a huge change for me.

9. Sleep. You need at least 7 hours and 8 if you are dealing with illness. Period. Even if you seem to function well on 5-6 hours chances are your body wants more. Your cells do the most healing work while you snooze so this area of your life should never be neglected. Also sleep makes you look better which never hurts in improving your overall quality of life.

10. Exercise. You have got to get sweaty. While sweating in saunas and baths is a big part of a good detox plan, actual physical exercise that pushes you to your limit and makes you sweat buckets is a vital component of your journey to lifelong health and happiness. I have left this to the end because intense physical exercise before you are ready, can stress your adrenals and lead to raised cortisol levels (wich actually can make you hold weight and increase inflammation). When you have completed all the steps above and are starting to feel like a new person it is time to start pushing your body with both weight training and cardiovascular training. You’ll know you are ready for this phase when you actually WANT to exercise and (mostly) look forward to your workouts/ feel energised rather than depleted when your workout is over.

11. Remove the toxic people from your life, or at least limit the energy you give to them. You’ve done all this work removing toxic ingredients from your diet, skincare and household products, and improving your mindset, so why are you still allowing toxic people to suck the joy out of you. You are a sum of the people you spend the most time with so make sure these are high quality people and you will notice your energy levels and outlook improve drastically.

I know this can seem like a daunting amount of work to do but if you are sick of feeling run down, dealing with illness and quite frankly, looking like shit, this is a great place to start.

Health is a journey not a destination, and if you really want to get the most out of your life, you’ve got to care for this body you are living in.
Life is so much more enjoyable when you have energy, a positive mindset, and quality people surrounding you.

In 2017 I began implementing these changes and am finally feeling like a new person going into 2019. Hopefully this helps someone else who is suffering feel like they have their life back.

My letter to money – shifting my money mindset in 2019

My letter to money – shifting my money mindset in 2019
dollar-currency-money-us-dollar-47344.jpeg
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

One of my biggest challenges over this past year has been to release all of the negative associations I have built around money.  I have finally come to understand that wanting money but believing it is evil is non sensical.  It’s like wanting so bad to be friends with someone you just can not stand.

Why bother? Chances are even if you managed to make ‘friends’ with that person, the friendship would never really be strong and lasting.

Money is not even a real thing when you think about it. It’s paper whose only true value is the value we assign it. Money is simply an energy that can be exchanged for positive or negative things. I have started to approach my relationship with money from a new angle, rather than focusing on the negative I remind myself of all the good money can do.  I love to read stories about social entrepreneurs who use money not just to improve their own lives, but to help improve the world.  This keeps me focused on the kind of person I aspire to be as more and more money flows into my life.

A wonderful money mindset strategy I have used, has been to replace the word money with a word I have positive feelings about.  For me this word is freedom and in my vocabulary, the two words have become interchangeable.

Money is freedom and freedom is money.

Another thing I did as per the advice of Jen Sincero in her killer book ‘You are a bad ass’ is write a heartfelt letter to money.

This might seem a bit woo woo, but immediately upon completion I felt like another wall I had built up in my head between myself and money had come down.

Here is my (slightly sexual) letter to money;

Dear Money,

I have had a crush on you for a long time but have been too scared to admit it. I’ve been told all my life what a huge jerk you are and have built up walls to keep you out.  

My parents always warned me about you, about how you would make me a bad person, and corrupt my heart.  But I’m finally seeing you in a new light and realizing all the good you are able to do in this world.  

If living where I want, travelling where I want and eating what I want is wrong, then I don’t want to be right. 

Money, I am fully ready for a life with you by my side.  I am committed. I finally understand that you do not change people but instead magnify what is already there.  I know I am a good person and with you I can only become better. Together we will experience more, give more back, and live with greater purpose.

I know you have always been there, waiting for me to be ready, and time and again I have rejected you. Well, no more!

I want to spend the rest of my life with you and make beautiful money babies with you.  I want our money babies to make grandbabies and great grandbabies until we have built a legacy that will remain long after I’m gone.  

Money, you give me the freedom to live my dreams and be who I truly am.  You make me so happy. With you by my side I know anything is possible. 

Together we will build a dream home, launch businesses, retire my parents, help my sister through school and give my kids every opportunity they could want in this life.  With you by my side I will worry less, laugh more, live life to the fullest and remember every day how lucky I am to have you.  I will never take you for granted again.  

I am finally ready to do this thing.  I love you.  

Yours, 

Elle

PS. In 2019 let’s go all the way.  

If you have come to believe that a person can’t be rich and good simultaneously, yet find yourself pining for a life of abundance, take a stab at this exercise.  Not only did I do it, but I’m actually putting my weirdo letter out there on the internet for anyone to see.

Get it down in your own words of truth and be confident that you are finally sending the universe clear signals about the kind of life you want to live and the kind of relationship you want to have with money.

You have nothing to lose, and potentially everything to gain.